OK, so I have seen you now.
I don’t know if you ever received this
or ever looked at it, but there was this blue prism paper envelope delivered to
you in Seattle. I don’t have a clue what happened to it. I’ve enclosed the
contents in the folder. It was my support for why I said I was June. It was
your explanation for everything, and given where you appear to stand, I
actually think it was timely and important.
So I’m e-mailing this just because I
like to follow through. If I attempt something I use any options that appear,
even lousy ones.
The other thing is, if you did get the
documents, then they need some follow up. They’re out of date. They were
written, after all, before Seattle. One night can make a big difference. I’ve
been faced with split decisions that changed the course of everything.
Now I’ve been faced with you. Sorry for
assuming such a personal tact, seeing as I’ve never met you.
You made that point in Seattle. I could
not have been further from knowing you.
Thank you for becoming my worst
nightmare. Now I know what it is and I know it can’t mess with me. You know I
walk into things with my eyes wide open. I would never have met you if I didn’t
think I was fully equipped and I spent a long time equipping myself. You are
very bad to combine with drugs.
I used to question my perspective until
I put it through a supreme test. Now I’m just going to speak my mind. To my
mind you were doing two things. One, you asked people what they were really
there for. If they had come for any of the higher elements in your work,
thought they could enter some sort of universality, or ‘one’, you effectively
demolished that by demonstrating that the trip was your dictate. If they had
previously made the mistake of defining themselves in you (what they were seeking
was in your words, they had not established them for themselves first), they
were fucked. They stood on the outside while you sunk that puppy into oblivion.
You left them wondering whether anything they felt was real or solipsist
bullshit, or they sunk themselves into their singular perception, which is
solipsist bullshit. Either way they felt nothing at all, for nothing they felt
was real, or it was impossible for them to establish it as real.
Or else they’d come for your darker
elements and that is where you took them. Really they were defining themselves
by what they’d chosen in you, the same as defining themselves in terms of
themselves. Which is scary when you realize the potency. You know the thing is
they wouldn’t even know the significance or the difference. Which I suppose is
your point.
I don’t know what made you do this,
true nature, bitterness at the way the chapter has closed, or just to prove you
could. Maybe a challenge, popping the big question. Maybe not giving a fuck.
After I got home I knew I’d already
answered you, I’d delivered the document that countered your sallies ahead of
time. It's called ‘The Sanctification Principle’. See, I figure I was the only
person present who could respond as follows: I did not define myself in terms of a reflection, it was
transformation. I never defined myself in terms of you. And had found a way
to prove it to oneself. There is no fucking way you can say I assumed love as a
device for power when I gave up everything to avoid forming a power base, I’d
suicide first. There’s no fucking way you can say I got into this to dress
coffins for souls when its sole proving dynamic, the one that verified its
existence, was redemption. It was not a crime in assuming divine attributes
because I attest that eternal life lies only in the Grace of Christ. Everything
about it attests to the existence of God.
Perhaps in my centrism I couldn’t
foresee that it wasn’t me who was going to shut it down in order to cope, you
would do it for me. You certainly made me realize my arrogance, that I’d
finally made the slip of assuming things that were only potential, and I’d
always been so careful about that. How perilously close I’d come.
I didn’t realize that the reason I was
containing the whole definition inside the redemptive pattern was to protect
myself against you. (That’s what The S.P.
document is about, the redemptive process.)
As for my proposal in Machina, (my version that is), I’m glad
I resolved it down to one point, one yes or no, even if you destroyed it. It
removes a lot of dilemmas for me. I’m left with no more questions. I am free.
I’ll tell you something else. Whether
you read anything I’ve written to you, or comprehend it or believe it, you’ve
proven the link to me, as I have proven it to myself. I know because of how
deeply you delve into my world, the one I have inside myself. How you say
things back to me. We are as connected as the mindlinked pair in the plates.
I questioned what it meant, what we
meant to each other, what it was, enough to make me come forward, which is
something I was convinced I’d never do. It was such a risk to put myself
forward, just to have you perform your level best to destroy it. Makes choosing
you totally meaningless, doesn’t it? You have made the circle of my isolation
complete. Didn’t know you were its final architect? You are. I do not know how
things will follow now. I left this communication in the hands of God. Only God
could see to whether or not you read it. Based on how I retained everything
inside the redemption, there are still a lot of potential outcomes, despite
your being my worst nightmare come true.
I will say that you have ended my
deepest dream, completely destroyed it. I’m not actually upset, I’d relegated
my deepest dream to childhood fantasy long ago and dismissed it, it was a
tremendous shock to have it brought back by someone else, made me hope it was
possible.
It’s hardly a first, shattering my
dreams. It is the summation of my history with men. The ones I have allowed
close enough have always taken their best shot at destroying me, as
inadvertently as this. They never succeeded. (XTC – I’m the man who killed love. Now what do you think of that? – It’s
not relevant. Big fucking deal. Looks like I go through everything in
triplicate.)
In Seattle you made yourself the last
person in the universe I’d ever want to meet. It goes a lot further than having
just destroyed my trust, though I’ve been betrayed so deeply before, perhaps I
never would trust. I arrived with my own personal insurance. Fortunately. I know
even though you access ‘my’ universal awareness, I am in no way responsible for
your actions with it. Seeing as I defined myself as the opposite.
When I saw you in Seattle, before you
took it down, I had already let you go. Meaning assuming there is a link (there
is a lot to support this), I let it go because I decided it was better not to
affect you personally. This is what I’d always decided. It took a hell of a lot
to convince me to try and contact you, gestalt events. I’ve never wanted to
disturb your life. I especially don’t want to now. I think you are happy and I
want you to be happy.
Sometimes I wish you had never accessed
me, ever. None of you.
I am separated from you and I am alone.
The chapter is closed. The romance is
finished. One way or the other it was going to happen; I could not function
there, the possibilities hurt me too much. I tend to go through things ahead of
time, once there’s a conclusion, there’s not point suffering over spilt milk.
But it can sure fuck with you ahead of time before the pitcher actually breaks,
when there appears to be a range of outcomes, maybe the pitcher will sprout
wings and fly instead. It never does. Only inside the universal awareness is
there transformation.
As for what I wanted to change, let me
say it in general rather than the specific. I wanted the universal awareness to
be articulated between its members so they could affirm its love. You have no
comprehension of the compulsions that have forced my silence.
There was a connection between the souls
and it was very real. I know because I’ve been aware of it and operating in it
for more than seven years, and it has always responded, in a lot of people, and
it grew. It operated in the same dynamic as a feedback loop. The reason for
this was because I was operating in it based on belief in the potential, the
possibility, -faith, not sensory awareness. I believed I could reach you, I
couldn’t sense you. So the only way I knew, could see my tracks in the shore,
as it were, was when it came back to me in the music. I used it in my reception
of Grace. I used it in accessing Grace for others. It was the only thing that
could have saved me and could have saved them. This was the only way it could
have happened. It is finished. I mean having proven it in a sanctifying
dynamic, I no longer need the correspondence for reliance, it is not something
I want, your heavy metal machine. You have any other subjects you want to take
up?
It has reached the apex where it had to
be met or let go. I accepted this outcome. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t
important to me, just because I let it go, just because this was its only form
of expression. It was more important to me than anything in existence.
I will not mourn, under the
circumstance that is destructive, in that sense I will not miss you, besides
you’ve made it so I could never miss you. Actually I have already been through this.
The pain was in fear of the end. I sensed this would be your last. This was the
only way I knew you and now it is gone. But as we know our ends are our begins;
it’s begun before. So now you know, it was the only path of articulation, and
now it is finished, and I am saying good-bye. This is my way of answering,
telling you it was real.
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