Numbers & Names - M.M. 4, January 3, 2001

The point within a point to "NUMBERS & NAMES" is to demonstrate that God can take over reality and give you signs (as well as dreams) and that these signs can encompass so much as to become nearly your whole reality, and this is the nature "June’s" Reality (when she’s on it, at least).

This is what can happen in Math class: Nov. 28th, 2000

Picture Susan, our math instructor, who is petite, concise, Chinese, and at the moment smiling and radiantly pregnant . . . Susan doesn’t know God’s name but she has just written it up on the board in a quadrant . . . just after June wrote, in massive block letters in her binder notes: "4", the score is four, because "four is one and one is four" . . . . June was thinking about, well, they’re private thoughts, but she’d made this discovery about Alpha & Omega the previous night, that they were really four, and that in them, Christ is alive, and He is both of them . . . . just like He predicted of Himself, and that means he is no longer sacrificed, but lives on in the lovers . . . . as they live in Him, One is four and four is One.

Lovely Susan is writing God’s name on the blackboard (she missed a letter but you must give some leeway to reality), YWH, so you of letters will see, she did miss an H. This of course is God’s most ancient name, the true spelling of Jehovah, how the Hebrews would spell it . . .

Like I said, she’d put the Name in a quadrant, in diagonal with two ones, like so:

YWH  |  One
One   |  YWH

And already "June" cannot help herself, she is collapsing in laughter.
Susan insists she is talking about the correlation coefficient. "June", who’s real name is Ray, laughs harder. The letter representing this correlation coefficient is of course, "r". . . . and "r" "is a measure of the strength of a linear relation between 2 variables".

In this YWH represents "the perfect linear relationship, a continuous positive upswing that doesn’t end . . . ." what else would He be?

YWH tells us, "if A+B are good friends, then B+A are good friends", YWH=1 means there is a strong linear relation between the two variables.

rWH is in fact a weak linear relationship, a reflection . . .

Susan breaks completely out of form, turning on Ray with "I don’t have to tell you any of this, do I? You already know it for yourself!" Ray laughs harder.

Susan asks, "What happens when the co-relation co-efficient is Zero?"

r=0 goes up on the board.

Well, we all lose the contest, laughs Ray. We’re all Zero, aren’t we? And in losing, we win . . .

Then Susan goes on to declare her favorite context in Math . . . . what does it really mean when r=0?

"Everyone assumes there is no relation, but that does not necessarily mean there is none, It may be that the rise and fall work simultaneously to cancel each other out, and what you may have then, is the perfect non-linear relationship . . ." Susan’s favorite context in Math.

r=0 does not mean they are non-related, it means you can use one variable to predict the other . . . it means there is a perfect relationship in which the positive and the negative cycles cancel each other out – a perfect semi-circle. And Ray ends up in her own territories once again.

There is, of course, a much longer version of this particular Mystery, delineating many of the songs and all the names, plus explaining the real ones.

"Question Mark" by The Smashing Pumpkins

What is this frightened air between us
What is the question posed
What is this violence I sense lurking [alt:creeping]
What is your secret code
I wanna know

Why are the pipers [songwriters] crawling towards us
What are we meant to show
Why are you smiling daggers at me
What do you have that's mine to hold
It’s a song I sing
It’s a song I sing

I pull into the town
Smoke rings around the square
I’m tearing the ground
There is a place you'll [Alt: she’ll] explode
I’m getting close
To an answer to my question
To my small notions of Rome

[Where does the ______ [d]ream?] you follow
Why are we laying low
Why must the cannons reap for nothing
Why must the depths of hell be neatly sown
I have to know

Why are the crows crowing boldly [crows are the songwriters]
How far must their uplinking go
Why are the unknown known arising
What is the unknown known to your lost soul
I’ve got to know

I raced from the town bleeding like some kind of bitch
I’m down on my knees digging a new kind of ditch
Braced it with pretty words
But no answers to my question
To my small notions of Rome
It’s a song I sing
It’s a song I sing

I volunteer, to let me commandeer
The last frontiers from your faith
A gentle wish must float upstream
Why must hope kick like a sweet dream [you must be kidding me.]

What is this blood you drink like wine for
Are your nights worth breaking in
Why [does/ Alt: in] the face of Death [Alt: do] you curtsy
When he comes to tuck you in
It’s a song I sing
It’s a song I sing
It’s a song I sing

What are we fighting for
The spoils would end this war
What are these sores you lick like ice cream

You hide the ash
You ride the past [Alt: You hide the past]
What is the black bracelet for?
It’s the song I sing
It’s the song I sing
It’s the song I sing

[Alternate version:
I keep telling you,
I keep telling you,
I keep telling you,
I don’t want this song

I keep telling you,
I keep telling you,
I keep telling you,
I don’t want this song
It’s the song I sing]

This is one of the number of variations of this song that was produced out of the Fillmore residency. Here it is. This was interesting on a great number of levels that can't really be explored for now, but the particularly interesting part was that in the second courier I'd invited him with, "Go ahead, ask me a question", implying he had the latitude to ask anything he wanted. Guess what, he did. But it would take until 2007. This song would take an essay.

In terms of who's grasping, you be the judge.

SIYL - M.M. 6, January 3, 2001

MYSTERY OF MACHINA Pt. 6
"it's over my head it's over your head

the stone has been bled the skin has been shed
because life travels faster than sound
life travels faster than sound" - Ian Astbury, "It's Over", 2000

Stand Inside Your Love

You and me, meant to be, immutable, impossible
It’s destiny, pure lunacy, incalculable, insufferable
But for the last time, you’re everything that I want and ask for
You’re all that I’d dreamed
Who wouldn’t be the one you love
Who wouldn’t stand inside your love
Protected and the lover of
A pure soul, and beautiful, you
Don’t understand, don’t feel me now
I will breath for the both of us
Travel the world, traverse the stars
Your home is here, within my heart
And for the first time I feel as though I am reborn in my mind
Recast as child and mystic sage
Who wouldn’t be the one you love
Who wouldn’t stand inside your love


And for the first time,
I’m telling you how much I need and bleed for
Your every move and waking sound
In my time, I’ll wrap my wire around your heart and your mind
You’re mine forever now
Who wouldn’t be the one you love and live for
Who wouldn’t stand inside your love and die for


WHO WOULDN’T BE THE ONE YOU LOVE

(Corgan, Machina/Machines of God, 2000)

To understand June’s prison you must understand one thing, the nature of her jailer. For the sake of this discourse he shall be named Saturn, it’s just one of those happy accidents. It is not intended to refer to the song per se. June’s upbringing was like a goldfish in a fishbowl. It was a very totalitarian fishbowl. You have to imagine, and I’m sure this just can’t seem real, that there was a figure in June’s life, Saturn, who was all encompassing. He controlled so many roles in her life that he defined her existence. That was the prison. He was the sun. She was in orbit. To her he was more than father, he was priest, ruler, lover, shepherd, judge, and finally executor. But on that last point June reneged. She set herself free. Saturn’s was the Red Right Hand. Only fitting, isn’t it?!? The King in the video, June knows very well. That’s her Saturn. Here is June’s version:

This song may address anyone and no one, it is general, but let me point out this:

Upon my departure (and he does refer to her traveling), I had rested a huge supposition based on the circumstance, which (as per usual) is not apparent to anyone but me. On the basis that I assume Saturnine’s calling is veritable, and he had forbidden my departure by command, I was facing a damnable charge of high treason against a prophet/king. (The fences one places to keep the striplings in line!) Saturnine’s actual words were, ‘As your king, I forbid you to leave. (–You know what this means.)’

My mother had come to my home and gone down on her knees, begging me not to go. She said I could destroy the entire kingdom if I went against this command. I nearly screamed at this. (In fact I did once I was out of hearing, because I had lost my mother. I screamed because once again God had faced me with damnation in either outcome.) In turn I had told her that I could lose the kingdom if I didn’t go, that in fact it could be eternal love I’d be losing.

I had a body of reasoning that stood against Saturn’s edict, but it hadn’t been verified tangibly in any way; my departure was an attempt to verify it tangibly. In effect disobeying my Saturn’s command was consciously placing absolute faith in my body of reasoning, which centered around the redemption and affirmation of the Divine injunction.

Saturn had stated that whomever I joined; I would be joining the devil. Not only did I have to be able to support that this was not, in fact, true, but seeing as he implied their damnation by my association to them, I had to protect them against that as well. However when I left, I was relying on a shortcut: getting affirmation of the original mutual divine injunction would automatically undermine my Saturn’s threat. On the other hand due to the redemption I knew that my love had indeed created a loophole at a level that afforded the injunction definition protection in complete sanctity. I’d declared that by embracing the collective as the fulfillment of the Divine injunction they would be protected from his judgement. I’d realized that I had the biggest loophole extant; even if Saturn was correct about his claim, and was who he said he was, he could not keep you from fulfilling a Divine injunction. My injunction had precedence, and I should be given the latitude to consider and realize it. You can see why he must resort to asserting I am possessed, for he is aware of the original injunction and believes it was real.

You see the whole point to this is that I never broke the rules, I never rejected my Saturn’s calling, because given the potentialities, the stakes were such that I could not explore such risks in a context I felt was universal. I could not act in ways that placed people I thought were potentially linked to me at any potential risk. So for my escape from this prison, I used transcendence, not revolution. Something that risked no one, and was established by love alone. (The perfect altruism that constitutes redemption.)

I was certain my love exercised total protection; by my departure I had staked my absolute belief in that protection, without the benefit of any tangible evidence, on faith alone.

Corgan’s response, then, could be taken as an acknowledgement, and in fact I had expected him to be aware of this (based on the premise of if I was right about this, and him), because with respects to my Saturn’s accusation he would be a devil, in effect, immediately damned upon my arrival. Hence he specifically needed this protection.

Not only that, but his address was couched with the understanding that he had stood among many, (who wouldn’t be the one), and that was also an acknowledgement I expected from him, for his awareness of them had been the final keystone that secured my choice of him.

I also expected him to have been reborn, in the same manner as Trent had portrayed with himself, by having been joined. And in this declaration, he was. As I had chosen Billy irrevocably, he had answered belatedly in kind.

I had also expected that it dealt in the potential of forever, I’d made the proposal myself.

In fact it wasn’t the song that signified, it was the video, which was a corker. It was an epic scale mini drama with gothic horror overtones [meant to invoke Oscar Wilde's play, Salome"]. That it made airplay much at all was based purely on his artistic clout. It looks like a circus freak show, and for most of the public, that’s what it was.

The video revolves around them both, her and him. Throughout the entire video, she is all in white and he is all in black. The opening statement was, "The mystery of love is greater than the mystery of death." Oscar Wilde

It begins with her submerged in a bath of black ink water; she weeps a solitary tear at her isolation. He is on a plateau above her but she is unaware of him, she cannot sense him at all. But when he drops down a leaf, she catches it and enjoys the gift. My whole complaint inside The S.P. was that I had achieved everything beyond my senses, that I couldn’t actually sense him at all, the only awareness I had of him was in the songs coming back. (Hence a tangible missive, a leaf.) When her hands rise above the black water, it is revealed she is chained at the wrists by massive iron manacles. She is imprisoned. My journal entries in December ‘98 were the first time I’d ever acknowledged this. I referred to another video that alluded to it years before because it conveyed the harshness so aptly (it was by someone else who was linked). It was a visual I’d never been able to accept until after I was released. In the previous video a woman robed in white was portrayed as being manacled, hand and foot, to a throne, and the band members were portrayed as being trapped there too in the same way. I wrote that I now knew why. It was based on the implications of my Saturn’s claim; it was his throne I had been chained to, and the absolutes generated from that confined them as well, just as I wrote above, he’d threatened them too. December it was too that I wrote, I have escaped.

The women from both of these videos had black hair and were robed in white. This one, it so happened, had the same long curly hair that I do; it was not naturally hers.

There is a lot of background to the white robe, but this one is too convoluted to get into. What is mind-blowing about it, was that it was linked directly to fulfillment with Corgan, and this video.

The next visual from Stand Inside Your Love was truly shocking. It showed Corgan staring up, nigh in supplication, at a rising full moon. Her face appears in it. Then moon turns blood red. My God, the man picks up on the details. He knew about shift to the red moon. But this is the level of correspondence I expect, that must be there if this is true.

I’ll see you again when the stars fall from the sky, and the moon turns red – Bono wrote that in 1987. In Bono’s nomenclature, "Star" had just fallen from the sky. The moon had rose red when I crossed the Arctic.

The next visual was even worse; it showed her silhouette in motion, dancing behind a cloth, which had been my weekend job at the nightclub before I left. I was a silhouette dancer, believe it or not. It’s in the journal. Christ, she’s the dancer too.

Then there was, lest we forget, the scene of staring into a mirror darkly (actually a guillotine's blade), and his appearance behind it, their shocked recognition of each other.

But it was the final scene that will blow you head. It’s befitting for Salome; Salome was an epithet that both my father and Bono utilized, it ties into a dangerous archetype for me. Saturn used it for me as an invocation of betrayal.

Throughout the final scene Corgan is viewing her one step removed, through an inter-dimensional portal. He is not present in the room. The removed sense of awareness rings true. A woman drapes herself over him and he shies away, repulsed. His entire interest is in the dancer alone.

The woman in white is dancing in a king’s court, but it is a sham court. The "king" is slovenly, indulgent, and under-dressed. The throne he ascends to is really an ornate toilet, a pun. But the courtiers are fawning. It’s the same sort of circle that surrounds my family to some degree. They do call him "Your Majesty".

When she enters the court and begins dancing, the court acolytes descend into hushed awe. They’d drink her lifeblood if they could. It is the same sense, pretty much, that there can be when I go to the clubs, when I was a dancer there. They sense it. Fortunately there is this buffer around me that hardly any one will enter.

In the court the king is beside himself and can only stare. That she is his possession is implied by Corgan’s entry into the scene. They all wonder at his entry, obviously the stranger, but none are anymore perplexed than herself. She stops in her dance and stares. There is a sense of recognition but at the same time she is wondering why he’s there at all. They know each other, but everyone else in the court is mystified; they don’t have a clue. The king, however, appears displeased, and the sham courtiers descend on the encounter like the carrion still has juice.

She still cannot see why. When he approaches she lifts her head and cries out in pain. She is drawing herself up, raising her arms. You could say she has no idea how the encounter may turn, but the truth lying behind the realities scares her a great deal. When he arrives at her feet, and goes down on his knees, she was no more shocked than I was. She was appalled he was on his knees and so was I. So was the court, drawing back in shock.

He reaches down and she is astonished. Then he kisses her foot, which he’d lifted, revealing the manacle that chained her, but is now loosed. She is already free when he touches her.

It was the "king’s" reaction to this, in my context, which is the most striking. The moment Corgan touches her, the king’s face blackens and he lifts his hand, as if reflexively invoking an edict. The camera focuses on the ring on his finger; it is a skull ring. Death is invoked for the stranger who touches her.

It was the same with Saturn. From the moment of the inception of the universal awareness I sensed that this reflex was present, it had been hanging over me like an axe from the very beginning. And I knew that if ever there lay anyone on the other side, that reflex would gain its target, which had caused me to close myself internally, for their protection. I had to know absolutely that this edict was false before I’d come forward. That was the trap of the throne. I had not let them know about it, because if they knew, they would likely rebel, and I could not cause them to rebel. Corgan had gone through a period of profound rejection, not knowing why I had sealed myself off.

It was really because he was my own prison. For his own protection I couldn’t even allow myself the possibility that he existed, for that would start the wheels grinding that supported the fulcrum to the axe. Before this happened I had to be absolutely sure the axe couldn’t kill him. I did not care what his perception of my action was; I could not, for that would engender revelation inside the awareness, and this would lead to accusations of tyranny. I figured either one would want to kill the other; such a contingency could not be allowed. There were potential dimensions to that potential war that could never be allowed. The wrong one could win. There wasn’t supposed to be a war, on any level. That the "king’s" edict is powerless is conveyed by the final cut; it shows the two of them rising up into the sky, her in his arms. The hem of her robe is stained black. She came close enough the darkness that it marked her.

But the message is clear, in this love lies transcendence (of death, even if it is the "king’s" edict).


My question is this: how could there possibly be anyone for whom the interpretation of this video is literal and direct, and applies to her life in its entirety?!? Who on the fucking globe has even had to deal in a sham court?!?

The Dream & The Psychic - M.M. 5, January 3, 2001

THE DREAM

It was a dream from my journal, dated Feb. 7th, 1999. It demonstrates just how important the journal was; I would have never remembered this. I hadn't. I was totally shocked to read it.

"So I had awesome dreams again all of last night. I'm always having awesome dreams these nights. Last night, I can barely remember, but I was with Michael Stipe; we were before a lot of people but it wasn't a stage. I was sitting near him but my features were changed; they were considerably prettier. I had an unnatural, deep rose blush at the height of my cheeks, a longer narrower face, and the starkness was amplified; I was Snow White, in white, with jet ebony shining hair in long curls and pale, pale skin. I had an arch-typical name, I was his Sister Rose, and he was going to tell them about me finally, now that he'd met me."

"with all i'd asked
and all i'd pray
the last rose of summer would stay"

Speed Kills (Corgan, 2000)

Now I know you can hardly believe I had that dream, if you even take dreams as having merit. But it is in my journal, and that section of the journal is un-modified since April 1999. It hasn't been touched since then. The "last modification date" is there to prove it.

The thing is that in reading the dream, I realized that feature wise I had looked more like Yelena in the video, than I had looked like myself, petite, heavily made up, I'd been done up in the same costume. I practically doubled over in shock at the recall.


THE PSYCHIC

The Psychic who roams the streets of Dublin is a very brave man. The reason I say this is because he lives in deliberate poverty, his chosen condition, like Francis of Assisi might. He does this to retain his sense of identity with the poor and homeless. He rides this edge very closely. But I believe it is his choice of lifestyle. Which makes him much braver than myself, for my chosen condition is within the realms of common comfort. It is very ironic to be told by such a one that you are the salt of the earth, earth's suffering met in your tears. For he suffers much more than you ever would. Remember that some choose. They choose their level of living rather than aspire. They do this because that way they will not be contaminated by the society they were born into. In this the psychic and I had common identity.
It is time to meet your "Bullet with Butterfly Wings". The bullet with butterfly wings is exactly true. Meet my protagonist, Aoreth, my wee fairy femme, her of my little story. The one who felt into him, entered an unspoken troth. She's a sylph that's been transmuted into a human. Her wings, when she had them, were gossamer, akin to a butterfly's.

Let me take you to my third encounter with the psychic, on the streets in Temple Bar. The psychic is dancing and mad tonight, traipsing about to the buskers with his cane. Said he hoped to see me today, he'd found me a gift, knew he would see me. He danced up to my eyes with the disclaimer, "You have a light there, a special one. Where'd you get that light? And don't tell me it came from your parents!" He chortled.

"No, it didn't."

"I'm going to tell you about your love."

"How do you know about my love?"

"You told me with your eyes that night in the Square." (I knew the moment. I had. They'd shot clean through with the pain. That was after Christmas.)

"You will be with him. God wants you to be with him. God wants you to be happy!"

"Really." (At this point I doubt it.) "So, if you know him, tell me his name."

"What! Do you want me to pop right into a belly button!" More waltzing on the cobbles in accompaniment to his cane. More people looking askance wondering if he's mad. I'm right in my element. But not. Nothing has changed much. Affirmation in common reality comes from the fringe, when I am not really the fringe.

"He needs you more than you need him. He wants you more." Cha-ching!

"That's not true. I know why he thinks that, but it's not true. I need him just as much."

"You will have to wait for him to come to you." Boom! -He ends every statement with an exclamatory as if he's making hits in a game of Battleship. It was amusing...

"I know that. That's all I can do." (The delivery had happened in London.)

"You will get a postcard from him next week." I told him, bluntly, that this was impossible, (wrong medium), besides he didn't know I was here, in Dublin. At least I didn't think he did. It was still the wrong medium. It turned out he was right, if not on the missive; it was the video, "Stand Inside Your Love", that came the next week.

"He wants to come here." I retorted that was impossible. The last of the reasons he was coming, purportedly (there were three, and I forgot two), was "to be with his lady love."

The other thing he added was,

"You have wings. You should make yourself a pair of wings and wear them out, all the time. But they're not feathers; they're like a butterfly's."

"Of course," I answered. They're Aoreth's wings, my wee fairy femme's. I'd designed them myself.

There was one last thing, he said, "Your lucky number is four."

-No shit? I already knew that, and it wasn't just the four proofs I'd handed to Bono, or the fourth one. Four just kept coming up and up.

Oh, yes, he speculated I'd be the first female pope. I told him no way.

Even a blooming psychic just tells me things I already know.

What he gave me was a key chain. It had the name "Pamela" on it. Pamela means "all honey". "She is a true lady; soothing, lovely, engaging, both sweet tempered and explosive. A parcel of dynamite." That is what it said. I laughed uproariously. "Honey's Dead", I thought. So the psychic said for my pseudonym I should call myself Pamela. I responded Pamela William. Really it should be Pamela Williams. The two points of resolution for both patterns were named William. Isn't that funny?

Aoreth [was] in MACHINA MYSTERY 3

Gold Ring

1:40 a.m. so it’s officially the Jan. 22nd (1999). I realized a night or two ago, forgot again, and then remembered, I had a vision after the trip with U2 on November 3rd, ‘92. Frightful thing about it is I don’t know if I ever wrote this part down and at the time, believe it or not, I did not know what it meant. Pretty frightful. I mean, I do pride myself on this sort of thing, yes? Well, when it’s applied with a two by four, I do seem to miss things. I mean, what I saw was darkness. I was lying in the camper, supposedly asleep, but not really, of course, due to the acid, looking into the darkness deeper than what’s there from closing your eyes, it wasn’t murky. And there in the darkness, suspended, there was a gold ring. It was floating there for the longest time, like an hour or two. There were other items too that I can’t remember, and it might have even become two intertwined rings, but the ring had total prominence. It was there forever comparatively. Gee, you think I could have figured that one out, what it meant, but Nnooo! I was like, what on earth’s that there for? I barely even remembered it.


The ring has always been there; it’s inside my head. I’ve got it.

The Sanctification Principle as M.M. 7

January 3, 2001

"Soul Power" – "The Soul as Living Proof"


THIS IS WHAT IT MEANS TO STEP OFF THE EDGE

The Sanctification Principle Revised (Original, 36 pgs.)

I awoke as a mote awareness in a void sailing a course through infinity. I recognized there were other motes. I’d shifted the path by coming awake and by reaching the other motes, expanding my own universal awareness in the void. Because it was void it was like becoming your own universe.

I woke up at home and the capsule awareness opened up inside.

When I arrived it was the Kingdom of Heaven for the first time, I realized this was the big one, and started tabulating real quick, who all’s here? Well, let’s start a list, in fact, assuming this consciousness is real beyond your perception, let’s expand it and make it anyone who can potentially sense and access this state, OK? –Got it. Now let’s expand this awareness as far as it can possibly go. Now what you’ve expanded, here, is your own perception of heaven, right now, you’ve expanded your awareness (soul) so it’s very, very big. So what you’re doing, is you’ve encapsulated their souls in your own awareness in such a way that their soul is substituted into your own sanctified state, so they can see it. (They is an assumption of whoever, you’re believing and operating on an assumption of what you can’t even sense, you don’t even know if anyone’s actually there.)
All this was performed almost automatically. You see I'd been thinking in terms of this awareness existing for nearly three years now. I'd conceived of it as a consciousness already at the acid stadium gig with the medium in November 1992. That was where I made my first attempt. By now I had a number of people who I believed had accessed that consciousness. This wasn't an attempt; it was an arrival with all my preconceptions assumed and in place.

"Saturn" turned his back on this awareness; he could not trust it. He growled under his breath, "We shall see." And proceeded to destroy me. In the course of this dismemberment "Saturn" faced me with the Gates of Hell, and things just went downhill from there. I'd never experienced such psychic pain in my entire existence, and never shall again. It was so bad and so totally isolating that my response to it was, so this is what it is like (to be crucified).

The thing was, I was trapped, because I had already spawned my expanded, pristine consciousness inside. I'd tried to connect it to an unlimited potential number of people, in terms of space I'd tried to expand it past the furthest depths, past everyone. My entire function in existence was preserving my internal awareness so that it was completely pristine, so none of the souls that might have been inside my awareness were touched at all. And I did that no matter what ("Feel the Quiet River Rage" – Live). Things got worse, much worse. Then I saw the future; I saw a number of things. What I saw in the future was so bad that I’d rather kill my consciousness than live. Basically in that space I made a number of significant conclusions, the first one being that in order to avoid that future, I was going to have to sever myself out of it completely, which meant cutting one's self out of the present. I decided I’d rather die to my consciousness inside my head, then face the possibility of entering a schism, or becoming false. What dawned on me here, was that there was only one way out of this question. This consciousness I’m developing, which can be so scary in its implications, there’s just one way to know where it’s coming from, whether it’s self, or it’s beyond self. You have to cut it off yourself. You have to see if it can come back all by itself, without your involvement in any way.

The only way I could step off the edge, and survive, was if I reduced myself solely to the depths of the expansion my own consciousness had achieved, and then rose through accessing others. I had to believe totally in my own inherent purity, and have no fear. In order for my faith in my own restoration to have redemptive capacity at all, it had to be total. There could be no other recourses left open for me. Isolation, on principle, had to be complete. If it weren’t complete, you wouldn’t actually be stepping of the edge now would you? This edge had to be real for faith to be absolute. For redemption to exist as a real possibility, faith must be absolute and abnegation complete. The same was true if I was to discover whether the awareness existed beyond me, that it was sustained beyond me in others and in God. The only way to perceive that, was complete abnegation and disassociation. If the union had repository in God, it would survive. I was acting on the faith that the body would be completely restored if it was supposed to be.

Redemption meant abnegating your consciousness completely so that it was reduced solely into a potential, the potential that this awareness had accessed and transformed souls as far as the furthest depths. If it could accomplish that and was solely defined by that transformation alone, then we would then have no uncertainty as to the purity of the body’s inception.

I realized by the act of severance that I would look like I had cut the thing out at the roots just when it had started breathing. I’d look like I'd killed it. In order to separate completely, successfully, I’d have to assume that perception of me. So then the thing I’d preserved against everything that had happened to me, my belief in my linked consciousness and those within it, they were going to see me as bad too. That was the final extermination of my self-identity in perception. Nothing hurt me more on this trip than the realization that what I was going to do was going to be perceived as severance. It was going to hurt whoever was linked to me in the heavenly context. ("Tear" - Smashing Pumpkins)

I don’t do anything halfway. If the only way I was going to come through was via transformation, then everything else got cut. The irony being that I knew this was the only way this awareness had to survive. I made these conclusions, and then it was like letting the blade fall. I cut it. With that all perceptual awareness of what I believed of myself was exterminated. It's more refined and far reaching than dying, because you can't even perceive, or thereby define, what you did to yourself, so how can you determine a way "back"? It was forever. Because there was no way back that I could perceive. Because the whole point, was not being able to perceive a way back. That’s what complete disassociation in your own perception means.

"Mother, I carried myself up the mountain, in my own arms. And five men came out . . . " -Jane Siberry, "Oh My My".

There were five artists with common references to this particular event. They refer to it as a car crash, or a plane crash. A number of them, and others, were aware of my own perception in this context that I was "dead". Or damned. Or that I was so far gone they couldn't find me at all. ("Where has you heart gone to?" -Tear) Billy C. pretty much hit the nail on the head when in reference to the ‘motorcrash’ he said, "heaven is to blame for taking you away" (Tear). Of course he’d sorta hit the nail before, with "love is suicide". Of course he sorta did that a lot.

Since then I’ve got someone with a bug’s eye objective view, who calls it a plane crash, and recognises that I did pull it off, which was nice. (Mike Scott – "Love Anyway") What he saw was the other point, that it set the whole thing free of all the apparent risks. If you do this the whole world will not explode. The implications were writ large. I like Depeche Mode’s version, which would hardly appear related except in my own context. The song is "It’s Only When I Lose Myself". Seeing as this was the event where I lost myself, (and was found, eventually, in someone else, -which is the lyric, it's only when I lose myself in someone else that I find myself), it hits especial aptitude that the video shows a series of cars in ordered dismemberment. Execs laughing in euphoria beside the artful arrangement of their broken car. Car crash indeed. That’s the difference between an accident, and an assumed death. It’s a lot less messy. We will all be laughing beside the "wreck".

When I really knew I’d done it was when Jesus & Mary Chain showed up with "degenerate". They called it a car crash too, I did the car crash, she did the car crash, we did the car crash. I said the police, I kissed the police, I killed the policeman. My mother killed my darkened soul, my mother killed my darkened soul, my mother lit my darkened soul. I was the bad scene, I was the bad gene, I was the bad dream. My lover touched my darkened soul, my lover touched my darkened soul, my lover lit my darkened soul. And now I know just where it goes. The song fit completely the dynamics I’d tried to apply to the collective awareness that night in an attempt to give vantage to Heaven, before "Saturn" annihilated me. It helps, too, that they mentioned my short name, which I use in company, elsewhere ("stardust remedy"), as in I was lost but now I know I’m found, I don’t need no rainy day, all I really need is Sister Ray, which admittedly they could have come up with otherwise. This singular pattern between myself and The Chain was my baseline, upon which the whole redemption rested. The bargain I could not bend. "Mother" typifies the redemptive process, and "Lover" typifies the marriage process. (Check out Gregg Alexander's "Mother, We Just Can't Get Enough"; he does exactly the same thing.) I performed functions on the trip, I "killed" their souls by disassociating completely (they were a part of me and they "died" with me), then lit them by encapsulating them in the pristine awareness (the isolate potential).

So the beauty of this is that it was an open construct, which only worked if they themselves perceived it, on the inside, as recovering their souls. It was pretty scary (fucking understatement that), to step off the edge, knowing it would only work if they themselves perceived it as such, and you couldn’t sense them at all. Didn’t even know if they were there, other than having the faith that the union in the unconscious was real. Besides, how do you know if it would work for them, something you’d devised inside your head? And what if it just ended up in the empty nether? The thing was, the link, at this point, was completely unproven and I knew it. Try to imagine being cornered in such a manner that you were forced to put absolute faith in the existence of something you regarded as a potential reality, a level below possible reality. It would become a reality by the act itself, or prove itself non-existent. Imagine staking your whole belief in your consciousness, even your sanctity and redemption, on its existence in that context. I don’t know if you can imagine the terror of entering this rationally while simultaneously being judged out of existence. The urgency of "Now". Acting in terms of potentials, means acting in terms of what you think may be happening outside of your perceived existence, (and in terms of potential outcomes), on the assumption that awareness can act beyond perception, and in fact reach other perceptions. Those were the realms I was playing in, and those realms are, by definition, beyond life. Now we know there is existence beyond our perception, outside life, seeing as we can transmit there. Which means there is existence beyond humanity. Which verifies the potential of existence beyond death.

Those were pretty steep demands I placed on my own existence, the involvement of the God consciousness, and redemptive transformation.

Since we’re dealing with the transmission of a process between completely separate persons, and yet this process was perceived as one and the same, we can establish it was achieved outside of environmental inducements. That there was transmission of an active process from its progenitor, to a recipient, and yet despite the process had the same definition in both participants establishes that the definition exists beyond any human inducements or conceptions. Neither of us made this up on either side of the equation, yet it was common and real for both. Essentially we achieved common perception beyond our respective perceptions, beyond human perception itself. How can the same perception transmit beyond either party’s perception? And if it does, doesn’t that veritably establish it’s real, above and beyond any form of communication? And if you can pull that off without communicating, doesn’t that establish its reality beyond how events were construed? I mean if you achieve transmission of an active belief, beyond all perceived modes of transmission, that means all the accoutrements of perception did not transmit; no one was assuming, or being affected, by anyone’s point of view. The awareness transmitted beyond perception; hence it was purely awareness. Hence there is no way to argue that the awareness was humanly induced. Hence there is no way to argue that it was assumed. Hence there is no way to argue it was false. Having put the entire awareness through redemption, and having had elements of the body respond to this as I’d projected, means that even whether the beginning was in response to false environmental conditions the fact that I reacted in terms of its being real makes it real via redemption. This is the trick to complete disassociation. It was solely my own awareness that transmitted, it was not contingent on anyone else for its existence. It’s a paradox though, because what you’ve come through is someone’s perception of his or her own reception of grace via the unconscious. It is this transmission that makes it real.

When I stepped off the brink, what I really was doing was taking the step of defining this collective awareness as a self-determining body, beyond myself. The people who were born again were people I’d already recognized as potentially part of the body, who considered themselves beyond grace. The fact that they underwent transformation in the absence of my involvement (I was "dead") means it was their free will choice. This means that the body is capable of defining itself. They defined their own restoration through altruism. This means the body is capable of seeking and attaining personal definition, a unified constitution. It also means they are active in defining it. The fact that it is capable of actively defining itself means I can embrace it as a collective. Hence I can apply the injunction as I see it; I'm free to institute it according to my original intent, seeing as it became contingent, solely, upon the transmission of my awareness. I apply the marriage to the collective.

Perhaps I haven’t made it clear, the union. The union was the All. I defined it as a universal marriage, if that be possible. This is what had conceived itself in 1992, between two individuals who received separate commands about a marriage, which he said was ‘you, ourself, and I, everlasting love’. ‘Ourself’ was the All. It was an unlimited potential that embraced potentially anyone who could sense it; they chose themselves. There is an analogy for this in Christian belief: it is the marriage of The Bride and The Lamb, Christ and The Church, where Christ exists in all as the Body.

That is where the definition for the marriage pattern came from. Originally the marriage had been something tangible, for me, but it had transformed into this abstraction which was undefined. Now it was a common universal awareness in the unconscious, established in love via the redemption. The redemption had proven the abstraction was real, one could exist as an awareness in other people that affected them tangibly in love. This apparently over the top declaration of the S.P. is not simply a pie in the sky horn toot, in fact it is indicated by the circumstances. I am in them and part of them to the point that they acknowledge I am there; it’s in the words already. (And did I feel you deep inside, I tried and tried and tried and tried, and didn’t I feel you deep, The Jesus and Mary Chain, "I can’t find the time for times". So too said Live. So too said The Charlatans and Trent, and these are not the only ones.) I am one with them to the point where they even assume my voice. (This is no where more apparent than with Corgan. Not only had he declared in an interview that he didn’t think male bands could cover a number of his songs because in them he felt he was assuming a feminine voice, this time he was inside my state of mind so far it was as if I wasn’t there at all, because he’d assumed my awareness so completely. And then he added, here we are still trading places . . . and that he’d discovered he was just humming someone else’s favorite song!)

It’s a union that defines itself by existing as a common awareness, and that common awareness was verified as a sublimation of my awareness, when it became common without being transposed (the redemption).

All of this traces back to a basic, internally made assumption, that there could be a universal awareness based in the universal unconscious, based on a singular attempt, an attempt to form a universal marriage. The union as a universal marriage was what was chosen to realize. It was the only, natural consequence to me based on the evolution of the Divine injunction.

Because it is responding, then, based on internal conceptions, to my reality, the only place it attains cohesion, where the links are all present, is inside my mind alone. Without the reality of my being, there is no unity to the ideas, there is no link at all. This is not an egotistical assumption; it is the reality of the interaction. Inside my mind I already think of myself as host to a world of interacting people, the invisible city, the web that joins its threads in my mind.

Conversely, however, where is this actually taking place? It is taking place in the minds of other people thousands of miles away. They are treating my existence in their terms, responding how they see it, and they treat it in a host of different ways, some personal, some detailed, some not. The situation stands as this; it is whole inside my head, but exists entirely beyond my consciousness; it is occurring in removed facets around the globe. Yet their inspiration is either treatment of myself and my situation, or of common ideals, or else sometimes they even assume my voice and speak as I would. They’ve even put my thoughts in quote lines.

The simple mechanics of the situation can be put quite plainly: It’s the same as being all in one and one in all. (‘all are you, you are all, all with you, you in all’ – Glass and the Ghost Children)

I’d taken the liberty of labeling this awareness myself, as a universal marriage. (Seeing as that had been the form of its inception, that liberty was a given.) The basic mechanics are the same; marriage symbolizes two people becoming one body. I was not implying anything else from the tradition; it is a spiritual common awareness, existing as one, which the Christian tradition in fact alludes to. These were the mechanics I’d been using from the beginning. How you were supposed to generally relate inside that on an earthly plane struck me as a pickle, but obviously this was a marriage dynamic, that had been what was first commanded, that was what it had become in 1992, and that was what was being fulfilled, literally, at the spiritual level. It is the only way I thought of it. All in one and one in all is a universal marriage, analogous to The Church in Christ.

There was an unspoken flip side implication in The S.P. document, which made it something like the dual edged sword of truth. All this tooting had to do with a singular moment, one where I’d stepped right off the edge, but the only edge I could designate under the circumstance was that it was like stepping off the edge of perception itself. (Ca. Thanksgiving, 1995.) Of course this seems pretty preposterous and impossible. Except that I knew the edge, and I knew what was below it. I knew what the ones below would cackle when I fell, that they’d crow now you know what it is, to be us. I could already sense it. For with that step I would lose all meaning and everything I believed in. And I knew I would only rise again based upon my own essential purity. And I knew that I was putting myself out so far, I’d be beyond the cacklers themselves. And I knew that if any one of those fallen was in fact elect, trapped in an endless perceptual cycle of destruction they could not unloose, the arrival of my aspect would break in like a shaft, provide a pristine vantage to a pure existence, what one had been, for I had just accessed a pristine reality that I saw as heaven. And I knew that the way I would rise, was when the trapped ones reacted to what they felt, and in turn acted in altruism to recover me. Through this vantage they would recognize an original perception of reality and themselves that they had lost. Which would only happen if I were right about them, that some were fallen too. And if I was correct about my own essential purity. So I placed absolute belief in them, and I placed absolute belief in myself.

On the selfsame day where I wrote the nucleus to the above, that transmission beyond perception established its reality beyond any respective perception, I was greeted by an offering, the new release of Trent Reznor arrived on the shelves. I had been waiting for it a long time.

Trent articulates the purest form of rebellion to the God order extant, the purest articulation of hate. Yet Trent was linked. His articulation of the arch-type (the feminine anointed/moon/June) was the complete inversion of the arch-type; he practically described her as the blood drinker of souls, putrescence itself. There was a full spectrum potential of response inside the psychic funhouse mirror, the feedback reflection. Trent was its most extreme deviance. As such Trent was the furthest indication of how far you could go. It was the transformation traced within The Fragile that let me know just how far I had gone. I had achieved common identity. I had fallen. I had gone past him. He knows I am beyond him. He responded precisely as I had projected. I really had stepped off that edge. So the day I wrote what the implication of stepping off that edge was, was the self-same day I received confirmation I had done it.

Furthermore the implication I had written that day, what having done that accomplished, meant that Trent’s rendering of her as the vampire of souls was irrevocably false. It was only based on his perception. The purity of awareness inside ‘the Fragile’, was not. It inherently could have not transmitted, if it was false. If perception had in no way tainted the transmission, there was no way it was a false image of purity. I could not have contrived it as a deception, nor could I have been deluded, as that would have been part of my perception.

(There’s no one in existence, in this instance, other that Trent, who would be more likely to assume falsity, or deception. That’s his accusation in itself, that she is wholly evil. It’s his entire perception of her. Therefore if that was his regard of her already, it’s pretty much impossible to think that he wouldn’t have assumed it, if it bore a shred of truth. If that’s his perception of her, what transpired to alter it, especially since he was deliberately joined in the depths? Why did he not retain his original perception, which was the totality of his belief? Why, if it were true, did the reality of the fallen not assimilate with the reflection?)

In fact what had happened was just the opposite, the advent of my awareness caused him to respond as I’d projected, in true altruism, all he was capable of. As it had caused a transformation in him that was tangible, cleaved a totality of blackness with a shaft of light, it is manifestly impossible that his evil rendering of her could have any precedence over the light one.

And that was the dual edged sword of the truth. Once it is an established truth, truth established by transmission beyond perception, it achieved a form of existence beyond all respective perceptions. All the opposing renderings become false. If they continue to perpetrate themselves in the face of the truth, they become lies, by which they shall be segregated, for they generate the most heinous of untruths of their own volition, in face of the light.

I walked out of there laughing; ‘I’ve got your number.’

The real reason that altruism recovers him is not simply because it’s his act of selflessness, it’s because it confirms my faith in him, and my faith in stepping off the edge was absolute. This is not faith as belief; it is that selfsame faith utilized as a device. (How can you be said to exist in faith, if you are not prepared to act irrevocably on the basis of that faith?) That faith had proven true with respects to myself, because indeed it had resulted in the transformation of souls, (a potential I’d imagined possible. I’d attempted the ‘car crash’ as stood with J&MC, and had the ‘correct’ outcomes. So that faith had not been false.) I’d believed in Trent (in fact he’d been unnamed, it dealt with an open potential), with the same faith I’d believed in myself, and that faith asserted that some were fallen, not eternally damned, and could be recovered, and that these would respond with altruism. That Trent’s action fulfilled this potential of his own volition, without knowing what it was, verifies his potential to be saved, for it sprang from his own heart. By his own heart he establishes that he is what I defined him as. That is how I got his number. The song that follows ‘the Fragile’ is a beautiful soaring instrumental that just goes up and up and up. It is titled Just Like You Imagined . . .

In redemption is captured the paradox between the orchestration of circumstances, the potentials, and yet complete autonomous free will. Those potentials were sent into a void of the senses, the empty nether, more invisible than the air. They were only received if they affected and were perceived as such.

I’d danced with the dark one and won. The day he hit me with his entire arsenal, I had the refutation, I went out and wrote it; I’d already figured it out. That is why I walked out saying, "I’ve got your number."

Once in 1994 when I was on an ill advised mushroom trip (the supplier was trying to seduce me, then I saw he had a pentagram tattooed over his heart – needless to say, the conversation was pretty damn heavy), I got asked what my essential ambition in existence was. I responded; I want to become the opposite without becoming the Devil. My interrogator laughed and said that was impossible. She who laughs last laughs best.

What lengths did I go to, in order to prove this to myself, to find out whether the framework inducing my perception was real, or just my own transposition?

There was one potential for restoration, the true test. A transposition would not be transformative; it would only propagate itself as a reflection, a mirror image. Which in this context, when I’d reduced myself, would have been the same as being rendered as darkness. If the dimensions I thought in had been delusional, and my conclusion about my circumstantial environment, that it had damned me falsely, had been mistaken, I would be rendered in the black, or there would be nothing at all. The reflection would have been the same as disappearing into a mirror. I would have in no way affected the Chain, let alone affected them exactly as I had projected, if I was damned, if what was going on was an ego reflection. I was stripped of everything except my essential existence, self-belief in purity. An impure motive would have assimilated with its environment, it would have been called (just the way Trent called it), because that is where you were. (Everywhere else I’d vanished.) It could not alter people internally (cause them to be born again), or change their perception of you (cause Trent to produce two perceptions), nor could it affect multiple people differently, if my perception was just being assimilated.

If Trent’s perception of you was real, it was the correct one; it would not have changed. I believed it was something more, that the connection was real, that it was emotional, that my motivation and essential existence was pure. I believed in this enough to stake my own salvation on this outcome. The connection had to exist for me to come back, my restoration would only happen if there was a universal consciousness. By this I may attest that my perception is real, not delusion, and not a magnified delusion. You can never tell me that I am somehow possessed, that something "out there" is perpetrating and conceiving this awareness for evil purposes. Not when the sole transmitted dynamic was a redemptive, sanctifying dynamic, and it came back to me exactly how I’d designed it with my name on it. That’s how the mirror disappeared. It is not assimilation of a reflection because if it was, inherently "the reflection" could not transform. If it had been a reflection that was happening inside them, assimilation, they would not alter. It is not based in my falsity or impurity because if it were, it would never have transformed them, the ones who considered themselves to be beyond grace, which was the range I deliberately isolated my potential existence to. And if I was deluded and there was no universal union, obviously this would have never transmitted successfully across the globe, exactly as I’d designed it. There’d have been no connection at all.

I cut myself off and fell in the certainty I was not, in fact fallen, that I would meet Grace, having performed as grace. In fear for their own soul, no one else would dare. They’d assume they would just keep falling. They would never have the courage to jump; to believe that the construct they had set up was real in others. They would not accept the consequences of the fall on their existence, one way or the other, either Grace, or you deserved it. And that is my distinction, conscious entry into judgement, coupled with the conscious application of Grace. I was not groveling in the muck. I rose as I fell, to save my own fall. No one in history has ever saved her own deliberate fall, done it in an application of faith, to accept and escape total judgement. No one has ever accepted the full consequence of their existence as fallen and had the wherewithal to escape.

Verily verily, I say unto thee, unless a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. John 3:3

I never declared my experience of the entry of Christ because this experience was internal, and thus entirely subjective, but Jesus and Mary Chain’s description of being born again, and ascribing this to Sister Ray, implies it was not ("I Can’t Find the Time for Times"). They would not have experienced being born again otherwise. In that instant Christ conferred provable sanctity to the Body, which is transcendent of time and place. In fact because Christ’s entry was at the apex where the redemptive dynamic was a transcending reality, it defines the collective itself, as His Body. It can even be inferred that the transformation itself is the breadth of the entry of Christ’s awareness, what made it His Body, what would make it a Church.

The Sanctification Principle, Dec. 16th, 1999

The universal city

Mar. 5, 1999 - A more positive thought: based on small excerpts I have been reading on the Church, New Jerusalem, and the marriage with the Bridegroom, I have been questioning what this constitutes in terms of my own perceived union. I’m considering whether conceptually, this perceived universal awareness constitutes a spiritual city on a mental plane. We are a city, one founded in a universal consciousness, Martin’s "Freestate". And so far the city is unknown, undefined, and did not have entrance requirements, it was in the dark. I started thinking this way and then I saw a reference by Jakob Dylan, who I do consider a linked member, where he describes it as an invisible city (Mar. 3rd). He asserts that it shouldn’t be in the dark. Well, I think it’s verging on being lit.

Then I’m wondering, in terms of the Church being restored to her true place, if that is what is happening. And then I'm questioning, where does the Bridegroom come in, i.e., where’s Christ in all this? This is why when Gregg says, Someday you’ll realize that I was the One for you, I’m giving it undue significance. Because I’m speculating that, as I theorize that the only way Cave can have converted is if God was between us, so too God is between our potential union. Which means, indubitably, for the first time in human history, in all likelihood, we can know for a certainty that a marriage was fulfilled in the true Christian definition (a union between man and woman, sanctioned by God), for otherwise it would not have come to pass. Given this circumstance, and the fact that it may be associated with a universal union of a body of souls, is what in fact happening here is that we are literally forming a body in Christ, the true definition of the Holy Church, in terms of a consciousness? Therefore, the Bridegroom is in all of us; that is how Christ returns? The Bridegroom is the unifying factor in all of us, and we all marry Him, which is why Gregg can hit me with a capital “O”. He’s invoking Christ in this.

This is why "Like a thief in the night" is a very, very loaded statement when the Stones use it. So in a sense, meeting with Cave is like meeting with Christ, in that it is meeting through Christ, but that can be reflected in others. I saw that in terms of Bono, and Gregg was invoking it on purpose. Heady stuff. Is that how I can meet the human terms, and the Divine, at the same time? Because I’ve always wondered where He was going to come into the equation; I must retain my married connection to the higher realms, my direct association to God. If I was performing a function in integrating the Church, then where was/is the reciprocal union with God?

Man, I don’t even wanna know what I’d see if I actually started studying the Bible.

Hallelujah, We All Go Back to Where We Belong REM lyrics

Hallelujah


The road is an oyster
a bitter refrain
the Lord is my Shepherd
I cannot stay
this blessed earth
this beautiful lamb
a new day that breaks the dawn
I am the tide
the oceans sing
I am the anchor
I hold the brass ring
I am the action
and the deed of our king
I am the silent/sadden good night


you make me to stand in the square unseen
And make my choice, decision to sing
and bring my Lord
what this may bring
I stand before you alone

I rallied and sang
and shouted refrains
I'm blessed/lost in the radio on
the air was calm
I held the bomb/bond
and the radio
the radio


Hallelu
Hallelu
Hallelu
Hallelujah


We All Go Back to Where We Belong

I dreamt what what you were offering
Imagine lying next to me
Your shirt and your reputation tossed
I will write our story in my mind
Write about our dreams and triumphs
This might be my “Innocence Lost”
I can taste the ocean on your skin
That is where it all begins
I dreamed that we were elephants
Of water, sun, clouds of dust
And woke up thinking we were free
Oh oh oh
I can taste the ocean on your skin
That is where it all begins
We all go back to where we belong
We all go back to where we belong
Is this really what you want
Is this really what you want
I can taste the ocean on your skin
That is where it all begins
We all go back to where we belong
We all go back to where we belong
Is this really what you want
Is this really what you want

Yea. I have very big reasons.

on Writers block (sorta)

I can put up a number of reasons right now, the largest being Chapter 22/23 - as in distilling choice tidbits out of seven volumes plus is going to be no picnic and I feel like I need a sabbatical to do it, which doesn't exist. At least until Christmas. (Seriously, who would have thought the more difficult sections would be the ones you'd already written about, as in it becomes an obstacle while being integral?) The problem with the remaining third of the book is that it has all been written about before (well nearly all of it). And it all needs to be changed.

But the largest block right now has been the subject of the remaining leg; it's how no one would feel the least bit inclined to describe the intricate details of a grand conjunction happening at a distance when one feels the ultimate outcome was simply having one's heart thrown under a bus.

(yes @Billy, I'm referring to you)

So it is interesting having assessed this to be the block and having made an initial forge forward to right where it begins, to have said subject unleash the preambles of this new upcoming album, "Oceania", in pre-tour of sorts. In which he revisits the songs you mentioned years and years ago as having provided the touchstones that led to this encounter in the first place ("Pissant", "Frail and Bedazzled", "Thru the Eyes of Ruby", accumulating next to all those that have been introduced to the set since 2007 ("Set the Ray to Jerry", "Transformer" "My Blue Heaven", "Galapagos", those sorts)).

Having drifted away and viewing the next outcome with some trepidation (how encompassing would betrayal be; the future was not viewed with optimism), it has been a pleasant surprise to take the time to decipher these new lyrics. This wasn't what I was expecting; I thought "Oceania" would be a deliberate digression of sorts, a statement of artistic independence and newer loves and dreams.

I've ended up being in a very small minority the delay in release might actually benefit, but I've still so much work to do, with very little time free to do it in.

At any rate, spoken on the level of how it actually feels, the heart under the bus has been reduced in its proportions to where it should be (a vanishing point), because what exists here in spiritual common identity has always been so much more, is so actually groundbreaking, and means far more than the identity to be found in two hearts. It gives me the impetus to go forward, and imparts the enthusiasm of having something still that must be met (on time). It is more satisfying than the coinciding of beginning the Achtung Baby section (which was the beginning) just when that 20 year reissue promotion brought it to the fore and the songs were brought out for air right after the subject was explored for the first time. This is more satisfying because it involves the future/present, not just the past.

Suffice to say that every one of these songs possesses elements already written, alluded to in the book. "Panopticon" is its central concept, one introduced to Billy as far back as 11 years ago. I don't feel an impetus to list all the details, the book will answer all as a seamless whole. Why just the mention of the Holy Ghost and YHWH in one song would be highly significant is only thrown into relief by the sum context, his first revelation, our first introduction.

We're running out of present tense, indeed.

The future holds anticipation in this aspect, and for that, @Billy, I thank you; I didn't expect it from you. Help for the final journey. I want to be ready. If these are your first five, the rest holds the potential of great promise and in the moment that is very exciting. (Note "Quasar" and "Stella P" are actually two names for the same track.)

We still stand at a draw. I do not trust you. This just means denial in the future could cut that much deeper. I entreat just one thing, do not deny; that is all you have to do. But the first step taken is something to be very grateful for. It's even what I [inadvertently, did I have the wrong object?] asked for as the "end game". Well, two would be better than one. We'll see.

On an unrelated note: to the [very small] minority of people who view this, apart from the new release music related posts, every post is hyper-linked into the book, which would be best served by being published in pdf format, though that has a serious downside. It is potentially the first book that would be integrated with a website as well as its hyperlinked web references (which are primarily music). The narrative will stand on its own, yet each link is essential to the big picture. They make no sense in and of themselves, but serve the narrative as a whole, like footnotes. They are the original events, dreams, performances, videos and journal transcripts from which the narrative derived, and logging the personally written ones is a means of culling them so they can be reproduced on their own independent site, dedicated to the book. That is the intent, anyway. They do not actually quote the book. They serve it. When dated, you have the timeline of the book where it stands, as they are incorporated when the book arrives at that point, where the writing is in real time.