December, 1999

On December 30^th she heard “The Great Beyond” by REM inside Tower Records, which seemed to respond with everything she’d done, meant and wanted, in the moment. “I’m bending spoons” indeed. “There’s another planet in the solar system”, indeed. She cut loose at a nightclub (because it was only going to cost her five quid) on the 30^th instead of the 31^st, opting only due to the cheapness for double vodkas with Red Bull. “It is singularly impressive, then, that you cannot taste the vodka.” She thought it the vilest drink on earth. “I enjoyed Jason’s drumming [BF of Jeannette]; he enjoyed watching me enjoy his drumming.” To free herself that night from the boy who took a grip on her arm he was so determined to take her home, she wrenched herself away and literally had to escape at a full sprint in her high heels, passing cries of “That’s her!” “She’s Canadian!” “Good choice!” and “Don’t fall!” –Like hell she would.

December 31^st – “It’s the biggest party on the planet tonight, and once again you’re not invited. You’ve never been invited.” On New Year’s Eve she ended up sitting alone on a tree’s roots that seemed made for it, watching a beautiful sky, accompanied only by the whispers that were left from its remaining brittle leaves. “What good is a world, that can’t be seen, felt or heard? (Felt though, twas subject to debate.) Is that not the same as creating nothing? What’s it worth?” At that the tears slid down her cheeks. On her way home two old men accosted her, the first one to tell her how beautiful she was, the second murmured she was lovely. She thanked them for she in no way felt it, which she confirmed with a look in the mirror when she got home. She looked marred by too much drink and solitude. She felt her age at long last was beginning to appear in her face, and her body was sagging, comparatively not as fit. “You sow,” she murmured and walked out. But when she sat looking out the window that eve she caught her ghostly half reflection so far back it was barely there and had to be focussed upon. She appeared ethereal and lovely in that aspect, repealing her harsh sentiments. It was a kindness she said thank you for.

The foray into her deepest fear was this day and night, to the point where she actually audibly whimpered. She realized with some terror that in The Sanctification Principle she’d never once made mention of the entry she’d experienced of Christ, her very reception of Grace, which was tantamount to the biggest omission in existence (as if she might have accomplished this, herself), and she had to confront why she felt caught between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea? Why did the omission or mention feel potentially damning either way? In effect she had to confront and figure out exactly why she’d sworn to never tell, and find out exactly why the question filled her with such terror. She felt she finally managed to weave her way through the loom and resolve her personal experience of the Christ by concluding it was a descending Awareness that could access potentially anyone and that it was true incorporation into the Body, a sort of becoming. She felt reintegrated; the future would hold no such mistake. (She’d referred to it elsewhere regardless, but the separation was a mistake.)

That night the celebration went on below her window; even though she never got invited she was there, as over one thousand people gather around the arch of Christ Church to celebrate. The Hare Krishnas arrived with the only percussion extant and so were a big hit. Sundry fireworks, the church bells, and at the magic number, the swelling of cheer of the crowd and innumerable champagne bottles being sprayed. She relayed it all in commentary over a phone call with her mom and sister, a call that should have been astronomical in cost, but thanks perhaps to Y2K never appeared on the phone record. This was her dream on New Year’s Day, indicating it would take three personal conjunctions (and possibly three men), before the out of body co-joining crossed the threshold to simply being an encounter impelled by love, the fullest realization of the encounter. Notably it was something that was purely mind to mind, just standing face to face.