Friday, September 30, 2011
"Get on Yer Boots" Dream
April 2nd, ‘99 – Last night (ya, around noon
today, that is), I had a lovely dream about being with Depeche Mode. They had
somehow at last hooked up with my family, and we were out by a lake, with
boats. Anyway, I was lying in one in a reverie about my life, where I
remembered all the time I’d wasted in thought and fantasy, and how people
commented that it was a waste to spend that much time thinking about, ha-ha,
God. I had on these kicking, but
mismatched, black suede high heeled boots, one laced and one buttoned. They
were different because I’d kept fitting and fitting until I found two that fit
perfectly. Depeche Mode were out on the green sitting on a blanket together. The green
was sopping wet, a meadow marsh that slowly sank into the lake. (The same as
The Fairy Queen slept under, that’s the only other dream where I remember the
ground like that. Watch out, you’re going to get the Fairy Queen now, if you’re
not careful.)
I knew that pretty soon I was going to assume steerage and go
talk to them. Dad was busy with the family loading a boat with tackle because
he was taking them fishing on the lake. After they were gone, I left my
reverie, swung myself over the boat side, and walked over to where the band was
sitting. Because I’m assuming steerage means telling them how it really went down, and I’m
the only one who knows with respects to them, what they’re saying, Martin
asks So
are you the leader here? to which I laugh and say, No. I decide to develop things slowly and ask if they want to go
for a swim, because the heat of the day is coming on. Martin says no, at first,
because it’s too hot, but he does it because I asked. He’s stripped already. So
we all go diving in the lake.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
The sharks and the mead.
April 11th, ‘99 – I
dreamed and dreamed, five dreams, some one, two hours long, real sagas, and
they made the transition from darkness into light. The first one was in my
family home constrained in the past with my mother and father, and all the
confinement, frustration and emotion of years was compressed and augmented into
this one dream. I lost my human prospect for love to my circumstance, watched
as it slowly alienated him, and I lost him to my parents. I remember the
explosions I had and explaining, precisely to my mother why her intervention is
suffocating, and telling her at the last to leave me alone because of the harm.
I was railing against my parents and coming to the end: I cannot live like this anymore. I found a new set of lyrics to new
songs produced by Nick Cave, they contributed to and augmented my current
state, they were already a part of it, so close I could not deny. I found them
in the newspaper and I cut them out, and then when I picked them up to take
them to my room and examine them closely, I looked at the sheets and the lyrics
were gone, and I went to pieces. I had to have this. My body began shaking all
over, I had a small wooden communion cup in my hand filled with sweetened milk,
and in my hand the milk splashed everywhere, spilling all over the rug. I
couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t even clean it up. This was the ending to
the first dream.
The only other part I remember was
midway through the last dream. I was standing on a shale beach beside a lake
rimmed with forested hills. The lake was calm and the sky was a mingled cloudscape
with the sun glancing behind the rim of them. It was a vision sky, not unlike
the moon sky, and I was holding onto the vision. I saw it in the same
significance as the moon sky, but it was a more natural sky. What made it
visionary was how the sun was playing with the clouds, shifting itself.
Chris, my math instructor, joined me on the beach,
which was populous with swimmers and children. I was watching the people
swimming; there were schools of small sharks out in the lake. Their fins were
surfacing and they were forming into circles, and moving into the shallows
where the children played. (I have a thing with sharks in my dreams that goes
way, way, back.) The sharks showed no intent for danger or attack, but their
nature was there, and they were mingling with the children. I immediately TPed
the sharks, telling them to leave the people and go back out into the lake, and
they obeyed instantly. This happened twice. Chris told me that the sharks
mingling would bode trouble. I did not know if my power over them would
maintain.
Chris and I continued walking down
the beach, and he was advising me about my career. He pulled out two examples
of strong-minded women, and how they had integrated their spiritual path with
their vocational one. The second one he told me about was an Asian American
woman who had studied Biology in some relation to the study of medicine, and
was working for a drug corporation in SE Asia. During her work she had diverted
her learning into the study of Tibetan medicine. By reintegrating the
principles of what she had learned, she had regained her spirituality, and
reformed her working position so that it contributed to the better good. She
was an integrated person. It was veiled advice for me to do the same.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
The Parallels of parallel realities - Sliding Doors
Jan 24th '99 - We watched the movie Sliding
Doors. First she gets fired, just like me, from dancing, by a bunch of male
chauvinists. Even my sister noticed that
correspondence. Ooooooh. It’s a wee bit uncanny. What, Helene slips into a
second life path simultaneous to her first, while the first is an entrapping
downer with a controlling male [a deadbeat unpublished writer at that] who must contain her, and lives off of her? She
works two jobs, as a server in a restaurant and in a deli in that one. (Me too.
Server for catering, and the last two years I’ve done deli on weekends.) In the
second she breaks the bad relationship and meets her dream guy, (though this
path has its requisite trauma), opens up, takes initiative on her own career,
but then she dies on that path, dream guy loses her, and in the end it becomes
clear she’s actually only existed in the first? But because of her conjunction
with the second, even though it had no tangible reality, when it comes round
again it’s in a way that cannot be missed; she’s retained the content of that path
even though she hasn’t lived it?
And she loses her baby too. And when she awakens, the nurse tells her that was a narrow escape, and Helene agrees, but she means from her first partnership, which she leaves behind, even though apparently the future holds no compensation. And oh, yes, the story takes place in London. Petty details: the guy she leaves is an Aries (dear dad), and because she’s indecisive, the new amour divines she’s a Gemini: It’s hard being a Gemini sometimes, isn’t it?
And she loses her baby too. And when she awakens, the nurse tells her that was a narrow escape, and Helene agrees, but she means from her first partnership, which she leaves behind, even though apparently the future holds no compensation. And oh, yes, the story takes place in London. Petty details: the guy she leaves is an Aries (dear dad), and because she’s indecisive, the new amour divines she’s a Gemini: It’s hard being a Gemini sometimes, isn’t it?
Then of course the film’s axiom,
the one that becomes the clause of mutual recognition: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. Ha-ha. No I didn’t, but I
sure got one.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
How far do you trust chance to get you there?
Feb. 22nd '99 - Today I missed the bus for work
by 30 seconds and that waiting space accessed a rage of tears. I’m so afraid at
these personal demands, of gambling on my departure, and was enraged with my
parents, that they have bequeathed me with an environment I am loathe to return
to. I would be better off dead. I am terrified of the ultimatum, that given I
am mistaken, or do not succeed in finding him, I will not want to return to my
life. I am even angry towards the artists for having put me in such a space. It
is not fair to anyone.
The reason I am like this is because I do not think I can reach him down normal avenues, I think it is fairly hopeless. So I end up thinking of the gambles I may be forced to take, like flying on a whim to find Bono, or just going there with no leads at all, and this terrifies me. I was pacing in figure eights at the bus stop in tears, in the pouring rain.
Then I had a laughable thought, pertaining to the memory of Kevin. You see with Kevin, I ran into him whenever he entered my orbit of downtown activity, every time he entered it. This got pretty uncanny ‘cause it happened about eight times in succession. I did not do it on purpose, it just happened. Anyway, near the end there were two instances where I tried to run into him downtown on purpose, because I needed to talk to him. The first time I parked right in front of the pizzeria where he was eating, and the second time I went to the club, no show, turned around to walk out in disappointment, just in time to see him pass the window outside on the sidewalk, staring in. I was basically astonished at the circumstance, that we kept meeting each other like that. I was regarding it in terms of observation of an anomaly that was provided for by the unusual circumstance of mutual attraction, and no association, which went on for about a year. Usually things resolve themselves, one way or the other, much more quickly, and do not provide such a time window where circumstances of chance are allowed to act.
How interesting. You didn’t know you had such a people sense, did you? I picked up on him really quickly when he was around, once just before he walked in the door, I asked for him to. I did not regard it as attributing to predestination, just an arena where forces beyond the conscious mind were given an opportunity to act. The significance to me here now, is that this was the only individual I encountered that I had a profound attraction to, and I could pick up on him unconsciously like a homing beacon. I even used this sense of him, which I couldn’t feel at all, to find him downtown twice in a row, which I have to admit is stalking, but not in the form that was imputed. I deserve far more credit than that.
Unfortunately this scared him out of his mind, assuming he was being stalked by TP. It wasn’t really my fault, except for those two instances, and the only reason I was driven to do that was because I had no way of contacting him, and I wanted to refute his insinuations. Hopeless. Anyway, my whole point for recording this was for one thought, which was that I jokingly told myself, You know, on the basis of what happened with Kevin, you know that you can do this, if you have a strong enough reason for finding him, you can walk into him on the street. Can you imagine tossing your life and savings on the basis of such a presumption? Besides, whereas it may work with an individual of the same locale within the bounds of a common destination in a community of 300,000, I’m not about to bet on it in London, even Dublin. See, I might chance this with Bono, on the basis of common hang-out, meaning maybe a run-in at the Kitchen. I wouldn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell in any other circumstance. [Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha….]
Am I really going to be expected to gamble, on faith, on something so nebulous as my own unconscious sense of someone I am potentially linked too? Over thousands of miles? It’s whimsical to think that I would believe in this enough to let events flow, and just casually buy my plane ticket, and go, and walk in with the expectation that it naturally would be conjunction of circumstance. I may drive downtown with faith in that event, but purchase a plane ticket across the ocean? Are you kidding? That’s just not fair.
Assume that if it’s true, you’ll find him. The link here is much stronger than attraction, over years and thousands of miles. Am I just supposed to rest on that, if I can find no other means? Like I said, I was venting at the thought that this was cruel and unusual punishment.
It left me very upset.
The reason I am like this is because I do not think I can reach him down normal avenues, I think it is fairly hopeless. So I end up thinking of the gambles I may be forced to take, like flying on a whim to find Bono, or just going there with no leads at all, and this terrifies me. I was pacing in figure eights at the bus stop in tears, in the pouring rain.
Then I had a laughable thought, pertaining to the memory of Kevin. You see with Kevin, I ran into him whenever he entered my orbit of downtown activity, every time he entered it. This got pretty uncanny ‘cause it happened about eight times in succession. I did not do it on purpose, it just happened. Anyway, near the end there were two instances where I tried to run into him downtown on purpose, because I needed to talk to him. The first time I parked right in front of the pizzeria where he was eating, and the second time I went to the club, no show, turned around to walk out in disappointment, just in time to see him pass the window outside on the sidewalk, staring in. I was basically astonished at the circumstance, that we kept meeting each other like that. I was regarding it in terms of observation of an anomaly that was provided for by the unusual circumstance of mutual attraction, and no association, which went on for about a year. Usually things resolve themselves, one way or the other, much more quickly, and do not provide such a time window where circumstances of chance are allowed to act.
How interesting. You didn’t know you had such a people sense, did you? I picked up on him really quickly when he was around, once just before he walked in the door, I asked for him to. I did not regard it as attributing to predestination, just an arena where forces beyond the conscious mind were given an opportunity to act. The significance to me here now, is that this was the only individual I encountered that I had a profound attraction to, and I could pick up on him unconsciously like a homing beacon. I even used this sense of him, which I couldn’t feel at all, to find him downtown twice in a row, which I have to admit is stalking, but not in the form that was imputed. I deserve far more credit than that.
Unfortunately this scared him out of his mind, assuming he was being stalked by TP. It wasn’t really my fault, except for those two instances, and the only reason I was driven to do that was because I had no way of contacting him, and I wanted to refute his insinuations. Hopeless. Anyway, my whole point for recording this was for one thought, which was that I jokingly told myself, You know, on the basis of what happened with Kevin, you know that you can do this, if you have a strong enough reason for finding him, you can walk into him on the street. Can you imagine tossing your life and savings on the basis of such a presumption? Besides, whereas it may work with an individual of the same locale within the bounds of a common destination in a community of 300,000, I’m not about to bet on it in London, even Dublin. See, I might chance this with Bono, on the basis of common hang-out, meaning maybe a run-in at the Kitchen. I wouldn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell in any other circumstance. [Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha….]
Am I really going to be expected to gamble, on faith, on something so nebulous as my own unconscious sense of someone I am potentially linked too? Over thousands of miles? It’s whimsical to think that I would believe in this enough to let events flow, and just casually buy my plane ticket, and go, and walk in with the expectation that it naturally would be conjunction of circumstance. I may drive downtown with faith in that event, but purchase a plane ticket across the ocean? Are you kidding? That’s just not fair.
Assume that if it’s true, you’ll find him. The link here is much stronger than attraction, over years and thousands of miles. Am I just supposed to rest on that, if I can find no other means? Like I said, I was venting at the thought that this was cruel and unusual punishment.
It left me very upset.
Friday, September 2, 2011
"Blow Your House Down" -U2 out take
Wake up...
Better wake up dead man
Better find a new plan
Better wake up dead man
You got to give so
Get by on the booze
Say all you gotta know
Get rocked, and baby
Disco in a hall
It's a generation come back
Now that you got it
You better wake up
Better wake up dead man
Better find a new plan
Better wake up dead man
You better wake up
Better wake up dead man
Gotta find a new plan
Better wake up dead man
Better wake up dead man
Gotta find a new plan
Better wake up dead man
Wake up, wake up, wake up
She's got soulShe's blurry in the eyes
Got which days baby
Cut you to the eyes
Get sick with the hip
Get the right slip
If you want to, here she comes
Here she comes
Better wake up
Better wake up dead man
Better wake up dead man
Better find a new plan
Better wake up dead man
Better wake up dead man
What does it feel like when you heart it's full of soul
You kicking it farther, you dunk your body low
Why does it feel like you should know
The lights in the clouds and in your eyes
Round, round, round
You better wake up
Better wake up dead man
Better find a new plan
Better wake up dead man
You better wake up
Better wake up dead man
Better find a new plan
Better wake up dead man
Better find a new plan
Better wake up dead man
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up
Sugar, sugar, sugar (This is the Cave song, actual title (‘88), a bit uncanny? In Blow Your House Down, Bono calls "her" Sugar over and over, exactly the way Cave did two years before.)
You better wake up
Better wake up dead man
Better find a new plan
Better wake up dead man
You better wake up
Better wake up dead man
Better find a new plan
Better wake up dead man
You better wake up
Wake up dead man
It's in the new plan
Wake up dead man
It's in the new plan
(This is my baby, so why don't you
leave me)
Check it out, check it out, check it out
You better wake up
Better wake up dead man
Gotta find a new plan
Better wake up dead man
You better wake up
Better wake up dead man
'Cause there's something in your hand
Better wake up dead man
You better wake up
Better wake up dead man
We took a new plan
Better wake up dead man
The "Bar Fight" (which Ray stops)
This was on a weeknight when Ray was
doing a shift on the speaker. Dress code for dancers is always wear black but
you choose yer own wardrobe, -so Ray is in what are basically harem pants they
flare so much but -not gathered at the bottom. Black bra with mesh top that has
those tacky strands you see on cowgirl outfits except these are nearly a foot long
-as, top chosen with movement in mind. Speaker is about five feet tall. So,
dancing is limited to how creative can you get on a 2.5 x 3 ft square box?
Marid showed up on his own -his showing up was rare. And he was dancing by himself.
3 guys showed up, and the ape-est of the lot, truly a Cro-Magnon, had one of those wispiest of (big hair, 80's, blue jeans) blondes on his arm, a pure eye-candy brainless twat; all were not quite stumbling drunk. So just their walking in was an offence, in essence...to the “atmosphere”.
Ray is trying not to watch and purely concentrate on what she's doing because the drunkards get truly, truly offensive, -with Cro-Magnon making out with “Barbie”, -laying her out on the dance floor, on tables, bar counters etc. It's the lewdest activity Ray has ever seen (not hard to achieve, though seeing as they managed to hit all three of these surfaces, -it was a bad scene!)
Cro-Magnon happens to be immense, -as in well over 6 4' and easily over 260 lbs, none of it paunch. His two friends are big as well and Ray is mentally tabulating that it's already a 3 vs. 2, as it is a sparse weeknight with only 2 bouncers on staff in the Whole Bar, and they are BOTH smaller than either of Cro-Magnon’s cohorts (let alone the ape himself), so, they are studiously ignoring entire goings on, -and so is Marid for that matter.
Ray's only wish is, if only there was a way to get the entire crew out of the bar.
Then, shockers, Cro-Magnon suddenly swivels and eyes up Marid, and -surprisingly, Ray accurately reads the gears going off behind those sockets, because for some reason beyond explicable, she knows the ape is going to hit on Marid! (-F***ing rednecks, eh?! -the irony was, they looked to type! -and Ray was too neophyte to even have the term in mind, -Marid said this after.)
-He walks right over and is physically forcing Marid to grind with him, -and all goings on are still being studiously ignored by the staff.
Marid successfully frees himself; he is much smaller, but an impeccably trained pack of muscle-bound dynamite. Then the ape grabs him a second time! And is starting to drag him closer to Ray's speaker.
Ray doesn't see it but at this stage Marid is starting to physically defend himself and has Charlie-horsed the ape in the arm at Maximum Force, -but the ape is So Drunk, -he doesn't even twitch…or let go of Marid.
Ray's assessment in the meantime is OH S***. As in, when Marid “pops”, (and this situation is perfect custom designer make Marid go “pop” territory) -the club will descend into pure mayhem as he transmogrifies into...martial arts trained extraordinaire. (Ted trained him.) And, he will probably get blamed as he will successfully paste the entire lot... there may well be a 3 on 3 debacle where the club gets in trouble but Marid will likely get In Trouble...
Ray's assessment of the Cro-Magnon is he's gone gender switching (descending to how dogs assert dominance (!)). So, how do you best defuse that? (Two can play.) -And she decides the PERFECT way out, is to emasculate the ape by playing his own game, bluffing the “bitch”, and bluffing the count into a 4 vs. 3, -using her pull as staff, to force in the bouncers...
So as fast as Marid pulls out his Charlie Horse to no effect (and has just had his own reaction of OH S*** -not so much because he was scared, mind you, but because this would probably mean he'd have to beat the bloke nearly senseless! -and given the sheer size involved, not an easy task...), -Ray intervenes as “ninja” panther cat and soundlessly jumps off the speaker landing inches behind the ape. She rises and seizes him by the shoulders, deliberately putting out a grip of maximum force, so he feels the exact strength in her hands, and shoves him forward as hard as she can, -forcing him to check out what just “hit” him by swivelling to face.... a girl!
(However, “girl” is at the “holy crap your arm is as thick as my head!” body build stage, with Marid qualifying her as having the biggest most defined quads he’d ever seen on a woman.)
She then issues a flat snarl geared towards maximum gender-switch emasculating effect, “HE'S WITH ME.”
Then she yells for “Marcus”, -and hence, Marid doesn't get into his first ever bar fight (yea which is in retrospect, why bother, lol?! –as he’s now a second degree black belt bartending in one of the shadier sections in Vancouver, amicably navigating between the Asian gang leaders, and last time I spoke to him had won every street fight he’d been in, a number somewhere around 130 and was calling himself Achilles, -but fine, no fights on my watch, -if I can help it), -and, the apes with blonde are successfully ejected from the club without a single blow as they leave of their own volition, because, nothing is quite so deflating to a gender switching ape, as getting his own back...
And everything's over before the few privy witnesses have time to shut their jaws.
It was pure bluff, as Ray's never been in a fight in her life. But happy with this storybook type moment as she correctly gauged, -and acted, -in the moment.
Marid showed up on his own -his showing up was rare. And he was dancing by himself.
3 guys showed up, and the ape-est of the lot, truly a Cro-Magnon, had one of those wispiest of (big hair, 80's, blue jeans) blondes on his arm, a pure eye-candy brainless twat; all were not quite stumbling drunk. So just their walking in was an offence, in essence...to the “atmosphere”.
Ray is trying not to watch and purely concentrate on what she's doing because the drunkards get truly, truly offensive, -with Cro-Magnon making out with “Barbie”, -laying her out on the dance floor, on tables, bar counters etc. It's the lewdest activity Ray has ever seen (not hard to achieve, though seeing as they managed to hit all three of these surfaces, -it was a bad scene!)
Cro-Magnon happens to be immense, -as in well over 6 4' and easily over 260 lbs, none of it paunch. His two friends are big as well and Ray is mentally tabulating that it's already a 3 vs. 2, as it is a sparse weeknight with only 2 bouncers on staff in the Whole Bar, and they are BOTH smaller than either of Cro-Magnon’s cohorts (let alone the ape himself), so, they are studiously ignoring entire goings on, -and so is Marid for that matter.
Ray's only wish is, if only there was a way to get the entire crew out of the bar.
Then, shockers, Cro-Magnon suddenly swivels and eyes up Marid, and -surprisingly, Ray accurately reads the gears going off behind those sockets, because for some reason beyond explicable, she knows the ape is going to hit on Marid! (-F***ing rednecks, eh?! -the irony was, they looked to type! -and Ray was too neophyte to even have the term in mind, -Marid said this after.)
-He walks right over and is physically forcing Marid to grind with him, -and all goings on are still being studiously ignored by the staff.
Marid successfully frees himself; he is much smaller, but an impeccably trained pack of muscle-bound dynamite. Then the ape grabs him a second time! And is starting to drag him closer to Ray's speaker.
Ray doesn't see it but at this stage Marid is starting to physically defend himself and has Charlie-horsed the ape in the arm at Maximum Force, -but the ape is So Drunk, -he doesn't even twitch…or let go of Marid.
Ray's assessment in the meantime is OH S***. As in, when Marid “pops”, (and this situation is perfect custom designer make Marid go “pop” territory) -the club will descend into pure mayhem as he transmogrifies into...martial arts trained extraordinaire. (Ted trained him.) And, he will probably get blamed as he will successfully paste the entire lot... there may well be a 3 on 3 debacle where the club gets in trouble but Marid will likely get In Trouble...
Ray's assessment of the Cro-Magnon is he's gone gender switching (descending to how dogs assert dominance (!)). So, how do you best defuse that? (Two can play.) -And she decides the PERFECT way out, is to emasculate the ape by playing his own game, bluffing the “bitch”, and bluffing the count into a 4 vs. 3, -using her pull as staff, to force in the bouncers...
So as fast as Marid pulls out his Charlie Horse to no effect (and has just had his own reaction of OH S*** -not so much because he was scared, mind you, but because this would probably mean he'd have to beat the bloke nearly senseless! -and given the sheer size involved, not an easy task...), -Ray intervenes as “ninja” panther cat and soundlessly jumps off the speaker landing inches behind the ape. She rises and seizes him by the shoulders, deliberately putting out a grip of maximum force, so he feels the exact strength in her hands, and shoves him forward as hard as she can, -forcing him to check out what just “hit” him by swivelling to face.... a girl!
(However, “girl” is at the “holy crap your arm is as thick as my head!” body build stage, with Marid qualifying her as having the biggest most defined quads he’d ever seen on a woman.)
She then issues a flat snarl geared towards maximum gender-switch emasculating effect, “HE'S WITH ME.”
Then she yells for “Marcus”, -and hence, Marid doesn't get into his first ever bar fight (yea which is in retrospect, why bother, lol?! –as he’s now a second degree black belt bartending in one of the shadier sections in Vancouver, amicably navigating between the Asian gang leaders, and last time I spoke to him had won every street fight he’d been in, a number somewhere around 130 and was calling himself Achilles, -but fine, no fights on my watch, -if I can help it), -and, the apes with blonde are successfully ejected from the club without a single blow as they leave of their own volition, because, nothing is quite so deflating to a gender switching ape, as getting his own back...
And everything's over before the few privy witnesses have time to shut their jaws.
It was pure bluff, as Ray's never been in a fight in her life. But happy with this storybook type moment as she correctly gauged, -and acted, -in the moment.
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